Dear Climate Alarmists: Now That The Paris Accord Is Settled, Please Go Away

Dear Climate Alarmists,

We are exhausted.

It is not easy to write a letter like this. But we, the non-alarmist community, could not put it off any longer. We have quite simply reached the end of our rope. There are things you have to hear, even if it’s painful to hear them.

For the past few decades we’ve tolerated your hysterics, your cries of doom, your augurs of ecological catastrophe, your heralding of the coming global eco-pocalypse. We rolled our eyes and patted you on the head as you went after the plastic bags and the secondhand cars and the nice bright light bulbs. We even let one of your chief clarions come within a hairsbreadth of the White House—my goodness, was that 17 years ago this fall? Time flies when you’re having fun and predicting the end of the world every seven minutes.

But now the time has come for you to grow up or shut up. One or the other. Frankly, the former would be preferable, but we’ll take the latter in a pinch, in large part because we stopped genuinely listening to you years ago. Did you know that?

We’ve still kind of put up with your endless environmental wailing, and we’ve allowed your doomsayers to make regular appearances on cable news channels, the college lecture circuit, and even network television programs. But many of us have had a discrete iPod earbud in this whole time, listening to baking podcasts and binging on Netflix while you gnashed your teeth and rent your shirts and pulled your hair. A few of us even learned to doze with our eyes open! But we’re done with this charade now. It’s time to move on.

Yes, It Was Paris

“Why?” you might be saying. “Why now? What changed your mind?” Oh, my friends, spare us the ignorance—you and we both know it was Paris.

Ah, Paris—the city of lights, la ville d’amour, paname, ma belle. It’s a beautiful place, although we suspect that from now on you may not be able to look upon it without weeping like a Frenchman. Paris, once the eponym of one of your greatest achievements, has become synonymous with one of your great humiliations. It should come as no surprise that this is where we break. You knew this was coming—don’t stand there acting surprised.

Your hysterics surrounding the United States’ withdrawal from the Paris global warming arrangement have finally driven it home for us: this isn’t working. We can’t keep pretending as if you’re making any sense or anything remotely connected to sense. We have to end this.

So we—what’s that you’re asking? “What hysterics?” Oh, please, don’t play dumb with us. We—okay. You really want to do this? Fine. This isn’t going to be pleasant, but you apparently won’t have it any other way.

Consider the Washington Post writer who hated the Paris deal until the exact moment President Trump pulled out of it. Or the billionaire who claimed that, by withdrawing from the deal, Trump was committing “a traitorous act of war against the American people.” Or the celebrity pseudo-scientist who asserted that the Trump administration didn’t know “what Science is or how & why it works.”

Or the actress who floated the idea of a class-action lawsuit against Trump. Or the website that implied Trump was telling Planet Earth: “Drop dead,” the major news organization that claimed the same thing, or the major newspaper that did the same. Or the civil liberties organization that claimed the withdrawal “would be a massive step back for racial justice” as well as “an assault on communities of color across the U.S.” Or the journalist who implied that “we [will] all die” as a result of the decision.

Or the newspaper editor who implored us to “blow a kiss goodbye to nature.” Or the progressive activist who claimed that “Trump just committed a crime against humanity” and had “expanded his predatory acts to the entire planet.” Or the actor who mourned: “Today, our planet suffered.” Or—What’s that? You want us to stop? Well, okay.

By Now It’s an Addiction

We know it’s not easy to hear. In fact, we’re sure it’s downright embarrassing. But in the end you have nobody to blame but yourselves. Indeed, this wasn’t just a one-time binge; you’ve been doing this for years. Consider, for instance, the fact that your darling bureaucratic body, the United Nations, once issued a dire warning predicting “fifty million climate refugees by 2010.” When that didn’t happen, the UN covered up its own failed prediction and moved the goalposts forward another decade.

We’re sorry, but we just can’t deal with this emotional rollercoaster anymore. If you tell us to expect a global migrant catastrophe within five years, we expect to have a global migrant catastrophe within five years. If you can’t keep your word, then don’t even bother giving it in the first place.

It’s tough. Believe me, we’re sad too. We were actually hoping to just let you be. We would have given you the movie awards ceremonies and the constant ubiquitous “marches” and Bill Nye; those things haven’t really been our scene for years anyway. But Paris was the straw that broke the exhausted camel’s back. No longer can we just grit our teeth and put up with your shrieking hysterics. It has to end.

For goodness’s sake, please: just be quiet and leave us alone.

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